Wednesday, May 16, 2012

10 Weeks of Trust

What is the Definition of a Good Day? 
I realize I have had a good day when I a lying in my bed at night and thinking of all the things that I accomplished. Way to go Traci! You aced that Pharmacology test and knew all the answers for the in-class lab. Pat yourself on the back Traci! You made it 8 days instead of 7 before you had to fill up your car with gas. Man you told them Traci! You got in that person's face and put them in their place, your confidence is improving every single day. You did what, Traci? You helped save someone's life? You.are.amazing.
Word count of my 10 sentence answer:
Traci/I/You/Your/Yourself: 19
God/Savior/My Strength: 0

I am ashamed to call myself a daughter of Christ.
Now don’t get me wrong here. I love God more than anything and deep down in my heart I really do give Him all the credit. But, that is not enough. I too easily forget about Him when times are good and too quickly run back to Him expecting to be lifted out of trouble when times are bad. You want to know something, though? Every single freakin’ time, He lifts me out of that trouble. It may not be immediate and most likely will take time, but He has never forsaken me.
God tried to show me a couple of months ago that I was not following Him the way I should be. My boyfriend and I broke up and it was a train wreck. I felt lost and alone and to be honest abandoned.  I recognized that I had almost replaced God with that boy. Three weeks later we got back together. I thought I had made some huge progress (which I had) and it felt like the right thing to do for both of us. And you know what? Maybe it was. But it didn’t last and a month or so later we broke up again. It is for good this time, and I have not seen him in almost two months. This time around was much worse. I literally did not know how to move on with my life. I understand pain and confusion are common after break ups, but really? Every breakup is different and I am sure if I go through another I will feel some of the same things. But one thing I refuse to feel is the lack of God, the thought of nothingness.  I have a lot of work to do but He is giving me a second chance and I’m going to pay attention this time.
Today, I began my first day of classes for a 10 week summer session. I am in the middle of a two year paramedic program.
10 Weeks of Trust
Trust: allowing my life to be driven by the Lord, not myself.
The other day my friend and I decided to go to the beach. We figured out what beach we wanted to travel to, put the coordinates in my gps, and headed out onto the road. We had a great time, but the truth is we almost didn’t even get to the back. The reason the day was so exciting and memorable was because it was so spontaneous.
We were almost to the beach when it was decided that it would be fun to go walk down town by the pier. So we did. While there we decided we wanted to do something touristy-like. We went to an information booth and found a flyer for a nearby Aquarium. So we got in our car and headed on over. While we were stopped at a stoplight, we saw a small building that said Zoo. Upon googling it, we decided to do a U-turn and GO TO THE ZOO! It was sort of a historic animal park but the animals were amazing and far exceeded any of our expectations. 
White Bengal Tiger (photo credit erpate)
Turtle (photo credit epate)
Once we finished there we continued our journey to the Aquarium where again we had unimaginable fun and saw some incredible things. Attached to the Aquarium was a public access beach and so at last we finally ended up at our destination. We then laid in the warm sand and lazily dreamed about the day we had had.
Wouldn’t it be incredible if every day could be like that?
What if it could in a sense?
God asks us to trust Him and let Him lead us down the path of our life that He has planned out for us. So if I could just let go of this tremendous hold I have on my own life and allow God to lead me through, I can only imagine the things that He could do through me. Why should I be satisfied with what I alone can do, I want more and I know God does as well. I can do more, because with God, anything is possible.
So I am beginning my 10 Weeks of Trust. Every second of every day I will be pushing myself to give up everything to the Lord. Everything. Obviously I am not going to stand in front of a Starbucks menu and wait to see flashing lights surrounding what I should get. But, instead of getting up in the morning planning how I can push my ex out of my thoughts, get my shower done in enough time to eat and get  to school, stay awake in class, learn everything I possibly can so I don’t kill someone later, contemplate not getting lunch because of not wanting to spend money, continue learning, go to work with a decent attitude, come home and not yell at everyone in my sight, and finally go to bed happy with myself that I ‘survived’ another day. I want to wake up KNOWING I will push those thoughts out of my head. Knowing that if I put the Lord first in my life, whatever happens that day, will be His will. I want to end the day not happy I survived but happy I lived and took advantage of everything the Lord has given me.
Just because I am writing this on my blog does not mean this is fixed. It does not mean I won’t have any more bad days and it certainly does not mean I am okay with my present relationship status. BUT, it is a start.
The Zebra and I! (photo credit erpate)
Psalm 56:3 , 4 “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.”


Jay said...

Your trip to the beach sounds like it was great! I'm serious about visiting some aquariums and zoos now that I know they don't cost a ton of money. being spontaneous can be awesome like that! Lately I've been thinking a lot about living in the moment vs living in the future. Living in the future can stop me from enjoying what you have right now. Which reminds me of a quote from the Tao te Ching, "Reside in fruitful reality, not in blossomy ornament". I can interpret it in different ways, but one way that I see it is to be happy with what you have now, don't keep looking for something that seems better. almost like overdecorating something great and being too blind to see that youve had it good all along.

Glad you had a great day though. You are very blessed and great things are out there for you. -Jay

Erin said...

I love this post. I love it.

Everything you said is SO TRUE. I am reading The Count of Monte Cristo right now (so good, by the way; you should definitely read it if you haven't) and this quote totally struck me: '...finally his pride gave way to entreaty, yet it was not God he prayed to, for that is the last resource, but man. The wretched and miserable should turn to their Saviour first, yet they do not hope in Him until all other hope is exhausted.'
Um. Truth.

But, yeah, it's the pursuit of trust. Something that I constantly forget and am constantly reminded of. And it seems like such an easy concept because honestly LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER when I trust.

Also that psalm you have at the end is one I used to repeat to myself when I was a little kid -"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee."- and lately it's been popping up in my mind randomly. Cool.

Sherry said...

I love everything you said here except the part about skipping lunch. Eat, Traci!
Mom, the third

(P.S. You're amazing. Cheering and praying for you.)